Child Stress- Schedule Less & Play More

For my Issues in Child Development class in the Early Childhood Education Program at Red River College, this was my final assignment. Here's my paper! Thanks to Melissa Baker for helping me proof read and edit!

 Child Stress- Schedule Less & Play More

by Leah Edmonds

Globally, parents and educators are working towards raising healthy children who are able to live long, successful lives.  We want to give them the tools, skills and experiences that will shape their brains to be smarter, more resilient and emotionally stable.  Many of us know that early intervention practices are vital in developing a strong foundation that children will carry with them throughout their lives (Jamieson, 2012).  Why then with all of this information and good-intention are today’s children more stressed than ever?  According to YoungMinds, a charity in the United Kingdom, “around one in 12 children aged 5 to 16 self-harms, a worrying 68 per cent increase over the past decade” (Buckland, 2013,para.7).

Mental Health management is as important for children as physical health.  In middle to high socio-economic status families, one key factor contributing to highly stressed out children is the increase in overscheduling and over-supervision by well-meaning parents.  According to Dr. Michael Thompson, a clinical psychologist, “there is a line between a highly enriched, interesting, growth-promoting childhood and an overscheduled childhood…and nobody knows where that line is.” (Feiler,2013, p.1).  Moreover parents suffer negative side effects when their children’s lives are heavily scheduled.  Parents who feel rushed or hurried between activities tend to be more stressed and less-patient with their children.  This parental stress is likely to increase their risk for conflict with their children leaving them feeling guilty and out of control (Stout, 2009).  

Helicopter parenting is also a factor related to the increase in childhood stress levels.  This style of parenting involves spending an abundance of time with their children and micro-managing their lives during infancy, preschool, adolescents, as well as into early adulthood.  According to Hodgekiss (2013), “while some parental involvement helps children develop, too much can make them more likely to be depressed and less satisfied with their lives” (para.3). Early signs of excessive stress can include, children being withdrawn or intensely avoidant, as well as a child who openly expresses angry feelings or negative behaviors (Kostelink, 2012). 

Helicopter Parents

Children need to feel autonomous and in control of their lives just as much as the rest of us (Hodgekiss, 2013).  As children enter school there are many adversarial experiences they can face; mean friends, unsupportive teachers or challenging classwork.  If they have an ‘I can’t do it’ attitude or become defeated and discouraged quickly, they are at risk of developing depression or other anxiety disorders in coming years.  Resiliency, the ability to bounce back after facing adversity, is a critical part of children’s development in relation to the prevention of mental illness. Protective factors that increase a child’s resiliency include a positive view of self, positive outlook on life, effective emotional and behavioural regulation strategies and close relationship to responsive caregivers (Kostelnik et. Al, 2012).  According to Price (1982) “parents need to fill a child’s self-esteem bucket so high that the rest of the world can’t poke enough holes in it to drain it dry” (p.23).  I would say this is true for all caregivers, not just parents.

Bucket Filling

When parents and caregivers are confronted with startling statistics about self-harm and anxiety their reaction is often ‘what can I do?’, ‘we need to do more!’ however, there is considerable research supporting ‘the less is more’ mantra.  Parents tend to questions this ideation, often wondering ‘if our children are not in extracurricular activities every night of the week, what will they do with their time?’  How can parents bond with their children without stifling their independence?  How can we get them to grow and develop without all the stress?  The simple answer is play.

plancanada.ca

Play with less structure, less scheduling, less organized activities and even less rules; it all equals less stress.  Free-play is the key to prevent and cure childhood stress.  Whether the play is dressing up, climbing trees or finger painting, there are so many benefits to social, physical, and intellectual development without the need for a hectic schedule.  Some highlights of these benefits are described below:

·  Cognitive/Intellectual Development

o   Understanding the perspective of others and learning how to solve problems, creativity, and flexibility (Dietze & Kashin, 2012).

·         Language and Literacy Development

o   Development of new vocabulary and ability to explore their sounds and meaning (Dietze & Kashin, 2012)

·         Social and Emotional Development

o   Opportunity to feel or express a variety of emotions (Dietze & Kashin, 2012).

o   Development of the skills needed to manage and regulate their emotions, and how to best express them with the help of a supportive adult (Dietze & Kashin, 2012).

·         Physical Development

o   A healthy way of overcoming stress and crankiness (Dietze & Kashin, 2012).

o   Development of gross and fine motor skills, locomotor and non-locomotor skills, flexibility, coordination, balance, speed, agility, endurance and more (Dietze & Kashin, 2012).

Free- play outdoors in nature increases all of these benefits substantially as well as helps to reduce symptoms of mental illness. According to Richard Louv, journalist and author, “contact with the natural world appears to significantly reduce symptoms of attention deficit disorder in children as young as five.” (2011, para.5).  One school in New Zealand reduced their instances of bullying, vandalism and injury and increased the children’s in-class concentration levels and it was not by hovering adults and rule enforcement (Su, 2014).  On the contrary, they tore down their playground, eliminated the rules.  Replacing them instead with loose parts such as scrap wood, fire hoses and old tires (Su, 2014). Although playgrounds can be found around every corner in urban settings, the outdoor play that reaps the most rewards is in pure nature.

Another major benefit of outdoor nature play is the increase of moderate risk.  Having successful experiences with risk-taking experiences, like hiking and tree climbing, increases children’s confidence in what they are capable of and therefore boosting their resiliency.  There are so many benefits for nature play that a forest school movement is sweeping Western Culture.  Forest School Canada defines itself as;

“An environmental education program that originated in Europe. Students visit the same local woodland, outdoor classroom, or park on a regular basis over an extended period of time. Through nature-based and child-directed learning, young people develop problem-solving skills, the ability to interact effectively with others, and knowledge across subject disciplines.”(About Forest School, 2014, para.1). 

Some of the benefits they include in their comprehensive list are; overall improvement in health (environmental, physical, emotional, and mental), promotion of safe risk-taking, and reduction harmful and hazardous behaviours, boosts self-esteem and increases school readiness (About Forest School, 2014).

The research presented is not implying that all parents should live with their children in the woods but it does illustrate that there are ways to reach developmental goals for children in a less stressful and harmful way.  According to Louv (2011) vitamin ‘N’ is being prescribed by doctors and psychologists all over the continent. The label reads;

“Directions:  Use daily, outdoors in nature. Go on a nature walk, watch birds, and observe trees. Practice respectful outdoor behavior in solitude or take with friends and family. Refill: Unlimited. Expires: Never.” (Louv, 2011, para.2)

This prescription for play should be applied in a variety of settings; at home, in your yard, in neighborhood playground, a local forest, and anytime you’re able to leave the city and spend time in pure nature will just melt the stress away.

childrensnatureinstitute.org

Indoor and outdoor free-play is a cost-free activity that does so much good for the whole child while creating strong healthy family bonds.  Even if the child is playing alone in their room but is focused on their Lego construction or role playing a tea party, leaving them alone shows them you love them by letting them be themselves.  This tells them that their choices are of value and you care about their interests.

Young children participating in multiple activities such as sports, music, cooking, dancing and swimming lessons comes from the knowledge that early experiences are best but beware not to take that to the extreme.  Do what feels right to you and look for cues of stress in your children.  Dr. Thompson suggests to parents to observe, “is the child giggling when you drop them off or pick them up [from their activities]?  Or are they solemn and dragging their feet?” (Feiler, 2013, p. 2).  Ensuring balance between your child’s activities and downtime is the key to distressing today’s youth.  Parents who are present and encourage free play, while adding ideas and engaging in active participation are truly promoting mental stability for their children.   This truly is the best way to shape their brains to be smarter, more resilient and emotionally stable, which is what we all want for our future generations. 

  

References

About Forest School. (2014). Retrieved March 14, 2014, from Forest School Canada: http://www.forestschoolcanada.ca/home/about-forest-school

Beverlie Dietze & Diane Kashin. (2012). Play and Learning in Early Childhood. Toronto, ON, CA: Pearson Canada Inc.

Buckland, D. (2013, August 4). Our children are more stressed than ever. Retrieved March 14, 2014, from Express: http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/419519/Our-children-are-more-stressed-than-ever

Feiler, B. (2013, October 11). Overscheduled Children: How Big a Problem? Retrieved March 14, 2014, from New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/13/fashion/over-scheduled-children-how-big-a-problem.html?_r=0

Hodgekiss, H. (2013, Feb 13). Children with controlling 'helicopter parents' are more likely to be depressed. Retrieved March 14, 2014, from Mail Online: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2278596/Children-controlling-helicopter-parents-likely-depressed.html

Jamieson, J. (2012). The Science of Early Childhood Development. Winnipeg, MB, Canada.

Kostelnik, M. J., Gregory, K. M., Soderman, A. K., & Whiren, A. P. (2012). Guiding Children's Social Development and Learning (7th ed.). Belmont, CA, USA: Wadsworth.

Louv, R. (2011, July 6). THE “VITAMIN N” PRESCRIPTION – Some Health Professionals Now Recommending Nature Time for Children and Adults. Retrieved March 14, 2014, from Children and Nature Network: http://blog.childrenandnature.org/2011/07/26/prescribing-vitamin-n-%E2%80%94-a-growing-number-of-health-professionals-are-taking-action/

Price, A. (1982). 101 Ways to boost your childs self esteem. Nashville, TN: Ideals Publisher Inc.

Stout, H. (2009, October 21). For Some Parents Shouting is the New Spanking. Retrieved March 14, 2014, from New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/22/fashion/22yell.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

Su, R. (2014, January 29). New Zealand Schools Ditch Playground Rules, See Less Bullying Among Children. Retrieved March 14, 2014, from International Business Times| Education: http://au.ibtimes.com/articles/536271/20140129/new-zealand-auckland-swanson-primary-school-bullying.htm#.UyO8-vldXZE

Practicum at Home

After eight years of working with children, and 10 months in college I JUST learned the most practical, life saving information I've ever encountered. Better than Super Nanny, better than Ferber, this information came from STEP (Systematic Teaching for Effective Parenting) My instructors at Red River swear by this program for their own parenting, their degrees in Child Development didn't prepare them the way this program did, so now it's part of our curriculum. 

I learned all this in a 3 hour Guiding level 3 class Friday morning. 

That night my four and half year old son seemed to jump out of my text book and showed me an example of each of those behaviors  I laughed inside and made it a game. Its sometimes very amusing to practice something from class hours later in my house. It was more fun when it was Piaget’s pre-operational tests or watching my toddler show me what scale of error was but this misbehaviour event was an interesting practice session.

Setting the stage: My Darling Son (DS), was asked to come to the table for dinner. From the couch he said, “I don’t like it.” 

“You don’t know what it is.” I replied. “Come and see.” 

He walked over sluggishly and half sat on his chair. He looked at his plate and whined, “I don’t want thiiiis…” and he slid himself onto the floor.

I was feeling frustrated, I put it together with my notes: he wants power. Do not engage in a struggle, it said. I continued to eat my dinner and make conversation with my two year old daughter (DD) about how yummy dinner is.

DS sits back on his chair and whined, “I want chocolate miiiiilk.” 

“You can have some when you eat half of your dinner.” 

“Nooooo,  want it nooow.” He protests. 

“You can have some, when you eat half of your dinner.” I remind him. 

He pushes all his food to one side of his plate. 

I say. “That’s still not half. You haven’t eaten anything yet. Chocolate milk will make your tummy full and then you’ll have no room for healthy food.”

He slides back down to the floor and cries. Then he crawls over to my side of the table and paws at my leg, whining for chocolate milk.

I was then feeling annoyed. I ignored him. I ate my delicious dinner and made more conversation with my DD. He whines louder and rolls on the floor. I ignore him. He stands up, stops whining and puts his chin on the table beside my plate.

“How come you’re not looking at me!?” he asks. 

It’s working I tell myself with pride. “I don’t want to talk to you when you’re whining and I’m waiting for you to sit in your chair and eat.”

DS, walks to the fridge, I follow him. He puts his hand on the handle, I push my hand on the door. “Just give me chocolate milk!” He shouts at me. 

I calmly remind him again, “You know the rule. I said you can have it when you eat half of your food. I will not change my mind.”

DS hits me. DS shouts, “Well I guess I don’t love you anymore!”

Wow, he’s really going to display all of four behaviours isn’t he? Okay, game on. I got this.

I am legitimately angry and hurt but following the strategies to the best of my ability, I firmly but gently hold his arms and say. “You are hurting me. That’s not allowed. If you are going to try and hurt my body or my feelings you need to be alone. Go to your room.” “Nooooo!” he screams and swipes at me again. 

I escort him up the stairs to his room and sit in his doorway.

He’s in tears. “I want my dinner!” he tells me. 

I remind him that he chose not to eat, but he can have his dinner if he wants it. I also remind him that he said he didn’t love me and he hurt me, his face drops and he looks shocked. 

He jumps on my lap and throws his arms around me. “It was a lie!” he confesses. 

“That lie hurt my feelings, please don’t say that to me again.”

“I’m sorry mom.” “I love you son.” Picture perfect. Right?

We went back downstairs. He sat at the table. “I can’t do it mom! Feed me with my fork!”

WHAT!? I shout in my head.  I thought we were over this battle! But he somehow knew there was one more misbehaviour he needed to test me on. 

I simply said, “No, if you’re hungry you can feed yourself. I’ve seen you do it, I know you know how. I cannot do that for you.”

He said he wasn’t hungry. He did not eat dinner, he did not have chocolate milk. The battle was over. I didn't engage in a power struggle, I didn't give him negative attention, I didn't hurt him, I didn't give up on him. STEP for the win! I only wish I had videoed the whole thing and handed it in for extra credit!

An hour later he ate an apple. He ate his leftovers for lunch today. 

After months and months of power struggles and tantrums from both of us, it felt like such a monumental win. I feel so thrilled that I have these tips to navigate me through this misbehaviour, in theory it will diminish the challenges almost completely. I’ve got my tip sheet on my fridge to keep me grounded and focused. Wish me patience and endurance.

I wish you the same. 

Four Main Goals of Misbehaviour- My notes from class

Four Main Goals of Misbehaviour

Attention            Power

Revenge              Display of Inadequacy

Our reaction is critical during these misbehaviours. With some self-awareness and self-control we can defuse these common challenges.

If you’re feeling Bothered or Annoyed, their goal is Attention

What to do?

• ·         Don’t give attention on demand
• ·         Ignore them when possible
• ·         Give attention for positive behaviour as soon as they display it

If you’re feeling Angry or Threatened, Frustrated their goal is Power

What to do?

• ·         Refuse to fight or give in
• ·         Withdraw from the power contest- walk away if possible
• ·         Use choices
• ·         Let natural consequences occur for child

If you’re feeling Angry or Extremely Hurt they want Revenge

What to do?

• ·         Refuse to show them they’ve hurt you emotionally.
• ·         Label your feelings and theirs
• ·         Do not hurt them back
• ·         Work on building trust during times of peace

If you’re feeling Hopeless or like giving up they are Displaying Inadequacy (I can’t!)

What to do?

• ·         Do not pity
• ·         Stop all criticizing
• ·         Acknowledge all efforts no matter how small
• ·         Don’t give up on them
• ·         Give lots of encouragement, focus on their strengths

Attention Scenario

Child whining or bouncing around, you’re feeling annoyed.

Ignore them, keep busy, distract yourself.

Child might up the ante to achieve their goal for attention

You keep avoiding giving them your full attention (ensuring they’re not doing anything dangerous)

They will eventually calm down because they get no reaction. Right at that moment you look at them and ask if they need something. Maybe it’s a hug.

Power Scenario:

Child does not want to put on jacket to go outside. You explain why they need a jacket.

Let them choose which jacket they want to wear.

If they choose no jacket, bring it along but let them be cold outside until they choose to wear the coat.

Revenge Scenario:

Child wants treat before dinner. You say no.

They say, “I hate you!” or something else intentionally hurtful. Or they hit/kick etc.

Tell them calmly, “You seem angry that you can’t have dessert. I feel sad like that you said you hated me. I need to be away from you if you’re going to try to hurt me. That’s not safe.” 

Walk away, let them calm down. Discuss appropriate behaviour later.

Display of Inadequacy Scenario:

You ask child to get dressed. Child says “I can’t! You do it!”

Tell them, “I know you can, I’ve seen you do it before, you can do it!”

This may go on for a while, but they will start trying, even if its while huffing and rolling their eyes, acknowledge their efforts.

 “See you’re working hard! You can do it, keep trying!”

Children might try all 4 goals in one sitting. Keep your strategies on hand, go over them often until they become second nature. The misbehaviour might get worse at first, they are testing you, keep it up! It will be smoother in the long run!

*Notes based on the teachings from STEP - Systematic Training for Effective Parenting

Play is Play

Last fall, to my heartbreak, my son picked up on role-playing superheroes, guns and bad guys, with zero at-home exposure. Almost everything he'd construct in play would be a 'shooter' and was more often than not looking for a bad guy or acting like one himself. It was devastated  It was only a year ago where everything he touched was either a hockey stick or a puck, I thought his innocence was gone.

 After months of talking to family and friends about how to curb Owen's gun/bad guy play with no practical answers, I was at a loss for what to do. Even after years of being a nanny to three boys, I never really knew the recommended strategy for specifically deterring gun-play. 

So, I did all I really knew how to do. I was consistent with my zero tolerance policy, laid down uncompromising rules but it was not working, and only added fuel to this aggressive play and my approach to the issue only caused further conflict between us. All I could picture in my mind was my happy, adorable, hug-able boy who I imagined would turn quickly into being one of those unruly kids who bullies his mom into buying him a real toy gun and shooting' at strangers in Walmart.

So I went to the person I trusted fully with all things, but especially with child care questions. My cousin, a respected ECE III, who is on her way to a Child Development Degree. Surely she would know how to eliminate this behaviour! She would know what the official stance was on such play! To my surprise she said I should do nothing. "Play is play" she told me, "Play should not be interrupted or stifled and imagination is always okay."

Then I was sad. I didn't think I was overreacting, it has got to be inappropriate for kids to point guns at things and make those terrible noises! BUT, with trust and respect in my loving family, I went along with her advice and took it a step further. I played too. I got on his level to see his view and followed his lead in play. If he pointed a block at me and made a shooting noise I pretended it was a hose and that he was a firefighter helping to put me out! If he said I was a bad guy, I'd make a knarley face and growl- and we'd burst into belly laughs. If he'd say his cars had guns I'd ask what they were for and he'd say for making big noises, so I'd make weird noises too. It was innocent after all. His play interests have moved on and lego is now used for steam boats or or building letters and my happy lovey boy is at one of his highest points in creativity.

The conflict between became less, our fun has been more and I don't feel like I've compromised my values. He was 3 1/2 then and in the next few years I'll continue to teach him how guns are really used for hunting and eventually inform him about how people get really hurt by guns, as well as the difference between pretend and reality.

We live in a Canadian city, we don't own guns or know anyone that does, so a little pretend time won't actually hurt anyone. If those details were different so would be my response.

Being in college for my ECE diploma myself I'm so happy to have this experience first hand. I hope it serves me well in centres going forward as well as helping other parents who encounter such awkward phases such as these. 

The World From 3' High

How did I gain perspective last week?
I traded one two year old for twenty of them.

As part of a job interview I volunteered a few hours in the local Montessori school. The job was described to me as a Two Year Old Specialist. I smiled, thinking I got this in the bag, I have both personally and professionally watched 4 boys grow through ages 1-3. Including my own who's presently 7 months in to being two.

The director and I chatted about a few characteristics of two year old's so we can show each other that we understand what it really means to have a preschool room specifically for two's. Low impulse control, strong emotions, the need for physical help to do most fine motor skills, and minimal short term memory. We discussed behavior management techniques including a cool down place, neither punitive or rewarding. Just a place to be with your emotions of sadness or anger until you feel they've passed and you can then continue on where ever you left off. (Who wouldn't benefit from doing that every once and a while?)

As much as I know all of this, and can practice it in a professional setting, at home it seems to all fall apart.

When you're with a child (or a pet) who can, for the most part, communicate day in day out, you can seemingly see sophistication in their every move. In turn, you start to see them as older and more mature than they are. Your expectations go up and you expect that they can retain information and apply it in the right situation as well. We see malicious intent in their actions as if to seek to ruin your day. We think they see our weakened  concentration by being on the phone and choose then to use your curtains as a cape, while they're still attached to the wall. Maybe they do, and developmentally it's a success that they are capable of capitalizing on a situation. My love for that age and stage can see that. Sometimes though, being on the job 24 hours a day for years can leave one feeling breathless with the amount of verbal instruction they need to navigate through the world every day. I'll sadly admit that's how I've been feeling a lot of the time lately. 

On that day at the school, I became refreshed.

I observed little tiny people with their emotions on their fresh faces, standing no more than three feet off the ground, each bore a unique expression. Sulking, hesitant, friendly from afar. Bewildered, trusting, sad, and skeptical. They have no ability to hide their feelings, they just stand there with their hearts on their sleeves, right there beside the snot slime and dry leaves.

Some easily melt into your lap when they need a hug. Others need to be sure that you're the right person to provide the comfort they crave, once they've come to terms with  the fact that mommy's not coming back this very second. Feeling a mother's love for each of these babes, I had to jump in and try and win these heartbroken toddlers over. If my child was feeling that sad (or happy) I'd want to be right there with them. When leaving your child with someone else you pray that that person will be there for them like you would, I feel that's the most important part of working in childcare, far above a neutral colored environment and educationally stimulating specialty toys. 

I spent a few hours away from my two year old and instead spent the time with twenty of them, it was the perfect remedy for a perspective shift. I could now see the innocence back in his face, the fun and love that he so willingly gives to everyone. We've been having less tantrums, squabbles and spats since I started bringing my work home with me, once again trying to channel Nanny Leah back into my motherhood.

For the Love of Seuss

Dr. Seuss is often silly
But his books are more than Willy Nilly.
His lessons survive the sands of time
Teaching us more than just how to Rhyme.

I could recite Wocket in my Pocket by heart. One Fish's diverse characters (and the voices I gave them) kept me from boredom though repetition the way Caillou could not, Yet with an appetite for change, a trip with the Tater Tots to the Millennium Library brought back to our office some old classics that I'd only known the names of. Not sure I read them as a kid myself but they made a lasting impression on me as I left my teens behind. 


The Lorax, written 40 years ago, taught early tree huggers the value of a forest. The Grinch, in his popularity, reminds us every year of the secular meaning of Christmas, (anti-consumerist activism at it's best) but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that Dr. Seuss' wisdom nearly moved me to tears.

Feeling bored at home with my kids years later I asked myself What Would Nanny Leah Do? It was then remembered how much fun I had Free-Ranging with the boys at the library and finding treasures. So I loaded my double stroller with my kidlets and went 'On an Adventure' - as the Cat in the Hat would now say.

An adventure indeed. It was stressful and frustrating. Leaving my stroller outside, I carried my 20lb five month old in my arms as my two year old blasted through the quiet sanctuary of books, harassing school age girls with his obvious statements about which items were tables and which were chairs. Corralling him while browsing books was a challenge I could have set myself up better for.

Alas we finally made our way to the checkout with a few new stories to discover that my boy is now poopy and my adventure wasn't over yet. Using my strength, patience and pure trained skills I changed him with one hand, still holding the baby, while he stood on a wall mounted change table because I refused to put her on the floor of the bathroom in the public library.

By the time we left the library and went back to the stroller, I was thoroughly fed up and hot. I marched home. Feeling like I'd just run a marathon I tossed the books aside while the three of us had our afternoon tantrum together.

Days later, before bedtime I remembered the new books we hadn't read yet and snuggled on the couch to read, Oh, the Places You'll go. After only a few pages I knew this would be a book I had to own. The whimsy of Seuss still rampant though it's pages yet, wiser words were not found in Life of Pi or Sophie's World, my treasured novels of philosophy. It had a message of adventure without the sugar coating most kids books feel mandatory these days. It had a realism about the toil and trouble that life has to offer and the comfort of a seasoned parent in it's tough love fact that you must push past the scary stages and phases of our life's journey.


"You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.
...
 With a banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of guy!"

My perilous quest to the library was worth it. The encouragement in that book was exactly what I needed to hear. Putting life in perspective, Bumps and Slumps are part of learning because "Un-Slumping yourself is not easily done" but with "Brains in your head and feet in your shoes, you can steer yourself in any direction you choose".

I choose to read as much Seuss as possible in my early childhood philosophy, reminding Plato and Niche not to take life so seriously.

Embracing Why

My son wasn't the first one to bombard me with the dreaded Why phase most kids go though.

As a childless young woman Why was a fabled stage of toddlerhood. Movies, TV sitcoms and mothers I knew shared stories of the exasperating Why question that gets set on repeat until they're satisfied with your explanation. Which is never. Or so I was lead to believe.

As an enthusiastic nanny to some very bright boys years ago, Why was a super fun game. Back then I had the patience to give as many answers in as much depth as I could muster before using God and the Big Bang as a final answer. (Gotta give them a rounded perspective!) That worked for nature/science questions anyway like where the spring time buds come from or the truth about what happens to the bugs caught in our outdoor 'pet' spider's web.

The real learning for me came from questions on behaviour; Why couldn't they stand on the chair, Why did they have to hold my hand across the street, Why should they share their snack?

Most of us know that unless it's said in a strong enough authoritative manner "Because I said so" doesn't usually cut it. Not to mention I think it's demeaning of their right to know the truth and cuts off their curiosity. I like to use levels of truth should be used based on age appropriateness.

It took the children asking me Why to challenge my thoughts on some of the rules and regulations of childhood. As a rebel child myself, I tried to honour their burgeoning sense of independence. Sure you can cross the street without holding hands if you pay attention and make it snappy.

I started to preemptively ask myself Why and found that a lot of the time I didn't have a very good answer, not one I thought fair to tell them anyway. It was then I learned a skill that I was able to transfer into parenthood, on most good days that is.

I decided that if my internal answer was something along the lines of, Because I find it annoying, Because I don't want you to or because you *could* get hurt in-a-really-obscure-not-very-likely-way, I'd drop it and let them carry on.

When the answer sounded more like Because it's disrespectful, Because it's dangerous to yourself/others/the valued object, Because it's not good friendship I'd stick to my guns and provide as many explanations of my explanations as I could possibly come up with before I start repeating myself, or until we start laughing at the repetition.

This is especially helpful for me now when I find myself getting frustrated with a behaviour. Why keeps me in check and inspires deeper questions for me. Is it really that bad? Is it my problem or theirs? Can I cut some slack this time or should I really drill this rule? Is this something that I can't stop kids from doing (like jumping in the house)? Is it worth the stress of enforcement if it's not a big deal?

Coming up with my reasons and rationale before I ask them do start or stop something, makes me confident in my answer, a confidence that helps the kids trust that I sometimes know what I'm talking about. Don't dread Why, embrace it, you might learn something while teaching. 

...hopefully I'll remember this in 10 years when my toddlers are teens...